


Surrender

by Emi_coyote



Category: Depeche Mode
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BDSM, F/M, Love/Hate, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Unresolved Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-07-14 02:09:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16030796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emi_coyote/pseuds/Emi_coyote
Summary: Alan has been stressing and he misses his bandmates. Well.....he misses one bandmate in particular and the stress is getting to him. Set around 1997 when Ultra (DM) and Unsound Methods (Recoil) were released.





	1. I'm a Man of Flesh and Bone

**Author's Note:**

> There's a working playlist to go with this story, don't you dare judge me. Maybe the occasional mention of lyrics, I didn't write any of the songs if they get mentioned.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alan has been stressing, but it can't hurt to try and talk with an old friend, right?

July 1997

Alan cant sleep. He tosses and turns, counts sheep, goes over scales and technical nonsense in his head, but to no avail. He rolls onto his back again and stares at the ceiling, hoping the solid expanse in the darkness would send him into the sweet void of rest. Apparently Alan needed it after being awake for almost 40 hours working, Hepzibah physically dragging him out of the studio and begging him to rest. But he just couldn't relax….again.

A quiet wail from another room brought Alan some excuse to be awake, getting up slowly and laying a hand on his wife's arm when she started to stir.

“I got it, go back to sleep,” Alan gave Heps arm a gentle squeeze before leaving the room. Paris was already sitting up and sniffling, half hiding under the blanket when he found her. “Did you have a bad dream again, poppet?”

****

It took an hour and two more bedtime stories before Paris was sound asleep with her favorite bear again, even remembering to take off his little glasses. Alan smiled a little, remembering when he received the bear after announcing he was going to be a daddy. His smile grew into a stupid grin as he recalled the look of pride on Andy's face and the confusion on Heps face when she pulled it from the gift bag. Instead of going back to bed, he padded to his converted studio and turned on the computer, making his way to to the window and idly tapping a random cymbal on his drum kit.

“Andy...” Alan sighed and opened the window before sitting in the bench seat. He sighed from the soft breeze blowing in, carrying the various sounds of night with it. Alan opened his eyes again when he heard a car going down the motorway and stood, shaking thoughts from his head and moving to close the window again. “May as well get some more work done,” 

******

“Bugger! Bloody computer….” Alan cursed again as he stared at the blue screen, beyond frustrated. This was the third time in two hours it had crashed and Alan was over it. “God what am I gonna do?” He stared at the screen before burying his face in his hands and shaking, feeling the stress start to weigh on him again. Mixing was never this frustrating before, so why was it suddenly so hard now? Bloodline wasn't as aggravating, even without his way to cope. Had it been because he’d holed himself up with his drum kit and emulator and could bury himself in work during that time?

Alan lifted his head after a moment and leaned over, flipping on the radio to some station. He didn't care what they were playing as long as it gave him a distraction. Alan relaxed again while some silly lyrics over a half-arsed pop melody radiated softly through the small studio, standing finally and pulling a cigarette from his emergency pack and opening a window. Hepzibah would murder him if she knew, a thought that made Alan chuckle once he took a long drag. 

“You could fill a book with the things she doesn't know about me….” Alan chuckled again at his own comment and looked over when a new song came on the radio. He closed his eyes while the harsher tones washed over him, taking another drag and shivering from the memories the lyrics dragged up. 

_...Andy stood towering over him, stern glare behind his glasses and fingers tangled in his hair to hold his head up..._

He couldn't remember what was said but there was begging involved, Andy never could resist once Alan started begging. Then again, Andy never could resist much when it came to Alan…...once they were behind closed doors at least. 

“My whole existence is flawed…you and me both, friend..” Alan sighed quietly and bobbed his head to the rhythm, his eyes still closed as more memories came flooding back.

….The incident with Martin's stupid cuff…

….The near breakdown he had while they recorded Black Celebration…

….The first time…

….The cigarette incident…..

Even the cigarette incident stirred up sentimental feelings. Alan rubbed his shoulder over the old burn scar and shivered. It had been a rough night, the gig was bad, Martin was passed out drunk before they even got to the hotel, Dave and Jo were in the middle some stupid fight, someone tried to steal the bus. When they got back to Alan's room, Andy had dropped his cigarette while Alan was in the throes of their play, neither one realizing what had happened until Alan had a small but nasty burn on his shoulder. Alan smiled and rubbed the old scar again before lighting another cigarette. 

“Charlie?”

“Bugger.” Alan cursed and looked up when he heard Heps voice, hoping she wouldn't peek in to see him smoking and reminiscing about…...whatever it was between him and Andy. He stood again and poked his head out of the studio door, “Hello darling,”

“What are you doing in there? Come back to bed. You need your rest,”

Alan nodded and leaned against the small space between the door and frame for a moment. “I couldn't sleep. Figured I may as well be productive, eh?” Alan flashed her a wink, only get an unamused glare in return.

“Alan. It's two in the morning, you haven't slept in two days--"

“I know. Go on back, I'll be along in no time,” Alan smiled and watched her walk away, not entirely convinced. At least she wasn't as pushy as Jeri? He had no complaints about his partners though, at least about Jeri, then again he also had a way to release his negativity and self-loathing….until he got married at least. Alan looked back at the radio when he heard the DJ announced a recently released single from Depeche, walking over and shutting it off just as it started. “Oh fuck off…”

Alan flopped back in the desk chair and stared at his now restarted computer, scowling at the desktop as he shut it off. “You can fuck off too.” Alan snarled and raked a hand through his hair, staring up at the ceiling and gritting his teeth. He knew what he needed, who he could talk to...but could he convince them? That was the real question over everything else. He looked at the clock as he stood, noticing the time. It wouldn't be hard, would it? All Alan would have to do is grab his coat and keys and hit the M25, he'd be in London by 4.30.

Alan shook the thought from his head and went to the door, turning the lights off and going back to attempt some manner of a good nights sleep.

*****  
October 1997

Andy was sitting in an empty office he’d hijacked at Mute, looking through emails and pausing when he saw a notification about Recoil from the mailing list. So Alan managed an album on his own, eh? Andy couldn't help but smile with pride as he clicked the link and read through the information, or maybe he was smiling at the welcome break from business related things. Frankly he wasn’t sure but he wasn’t about to question it either.

“‘E better not gave ‘imself more kidney stones…” Andy muttered as he went through the EPK, clicking the video included and watching it quietly. His eyebrows began to knit together a little as he watched Alan's body language, thinking he didn't sound or look as confident as he should have. “That ain’t like ‘im….little bastard should be way more smug,”

Andy looked up from the screen when he heard the door open, waving as Martin came in and set a take away box in front of him.

“Been lookin’ all over for you. Ya been in here the whole time?” Martin asked and nudged his way onto Andy's lap, forcing Andy to sit back and ignore his work. 

“What if I have? Megan's a little clingy so I cant get much done at ‘ome,” Andy muttered and hugged Martin around his waist while he was distracted by the computer, browsing the page Andy was just on and watching the Unsound Methods video quietly.

“Looks like Al is doin’ alright. Is that in ‘is house? Bloody hell….” Martin watched quietly with his head resting on his hand, looking back at Andy when the video was done to see a look of intense concentration on his face. “Something wrong, Andy?”

“Something seems off about Al in that video, not sure what though,” Andy shrugged and laid his head on Martin's shoulder, both of them looking up when the speakers suddenly gave a ping about a new email. Andy tried to grab Martin's hand before he could pull up the window. 

“More business stuff? You're turnin’ into a regular workaholic, Fletchy. Grainne not payin’ attention to ya?” Martin teased and Andy pushed him a little, moving to click on the email since the subject line read URGENT.

**13 October, 1997 14:27:12  
** From: AC.Wilder@Mute.co.uk  
To: AJ.Fletch@Mute.co.uk  
Subject: URGENT 

**Need to talk.  
Very important matter.**

Both Andy and Martin stared at the screen then looked at each other, utterly confused by the message. There wasn't much to go on but it seemed like an email Al would send. Al never did care for things like email or instant messages and was incredibly vague and cagey when he did use them. Andy was thoroughly convinced Al only knew how to work the sound editing programs and couldn't be arsed with the rest. Looks like he did finally figure out how to send an email at least though.

“Important eh? But why email you? It didn't look like he wanted to come back anytime soon.” Martin mumbled and looked at the screen again, closing the email window and leaning back against Andy in the chair. Andy nuzzled Martin's shoulder and sighed, mind racing over what Al would want to talk to him about. They'd never been mates really, just…..Andy furrowed his eyebrows and laid his chin on Marts shoulder again. He couldn't put a finger on what his relationship had been with Al, but it was certainly something. Andy looked up when he felt vibrations in Martin's chest, unsure what he said. 

“Andy? Alright?” Martin asked in concern, turning to wrap his arms around him. “Maybe Al would be willing to come to London? He could bring the baby and it'll be a play day for the girls. Or did Grainne take Meg along too?”

“No, just Joey. Hes still too young to be too far from Mummy. I should get ‘ome though, what I get for hirin’ a uni student to watch ‘er, eh?” Andy chuckled as Martin stood and went to the door. Andy stood and grabbed the takeaway box once he turned off the computer, meeting Martin at the door.

“Let's go, eh?” Martin smiled and draped and arm around Andy's lower back as they left the studio, discussing arrangements to get their kids together to play.

******

**13 October 1997, 20:45:34  
Conversation started with SINthBoss.**

**BananaMan:** What do you want, Al?

 **SINthBoss:** Bit harsh.

 **BananaMan:** Your email was vague.

 **SINthBoss:** Email is a waste of time and technology, so is this.

 **BananaMan:** Then why the bloody hell did you send an email with some rubbish about important matters?

 **SINthBoss:** We need to talk.

 **BananaMan:** I saw that. Start talking.

 **SINthBoss:** Come to Horsham.

 **BananaMan:** You know how I feel about you being vague, Alan. Cut the shit. What do you want?

 **SINthBoss:** Come to Horsham. Then we can talk.

 **BananaMan:** Jesus bloody Christ, I hate you sometimes.

 **SINthBoss:** I hate you too. Come to Horsham.

 **SINthBoss:** Theres a train leaving for Brighton in the morning.

 **BananaMan:** Megan hates trains, come to London instead.

 **SINthBoss:** Drive then. It's only two hours on the M25.

 **BananaMan:** I know the motorway. Come to London instead. Bring the baby, she can play with Meg and Marts girls.

 **SINthBoss:** Come to Horsham. Saturday. Hepzibah will be out all weekend.

**SINthBoss is offline.  
Conversation ended.**

Andy sighed and tossed his glasses on the desk, rubbing his face and grumbling. Stubborn little bastard was being vague as usual, though it gave Andy an idea of what he wanted to talk about. He shook his head and looked up when he heard Megan come down the hall. Probably couldnt sleep, she never could when Grainne wasnt home.

“Can’t sleep? Missing Mummy again, eh?” Andy cooed and picked her up, rocking her gently in the chair. “I tell you what. If you get some sleep, we can go to the park with Uncle Marty this weekend,” 

“Promise?”

“I promise, Megs. Maybe Uncle Al will come up to join us,” Andy smiled and hugged her tight, carrying her back to her room once she was sleeping again.

Andy sat in the kitchen after opening a bottle of wine, pouring a large glass and watching cars drive by below. Whatever desperation Andy had hoped that Al just wanted to catch up; however, the logical part of his mind knew immediately what Alan wanted to talk about. He could tell by the email, the instant messages, his body language and his tone in the video. Al couldnt be more obvious even if he wanted to and it pulled at certain strings Andy had hoped didnt get pulled again for a very long time, hopefully ever. 

“That bastard.”


	2. Feeling Like an Infidel, Not Worthy of Your Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin and Andy have a little chat......or at least they try to.

**17 October 1997 10:35:09**

**Conversation started with SINthBoss.**

**BananaMan:** Come to London. Bring Paris, she can play with Megan and Marts girls.

**SINthBoss:** Fuck Martin.

**BananaMan:** He can watch the kids while we talk.

**SINthBoss is typing…**

**BananaMan:** Are you that bitter still? Its been almost three years.

**BananaMan:** I never said you had to talk to him.

**SINthBoss is typing…**

**BananaMan:** I **know** you, Al. You cant hide things from me.

**SINthBoss is typing…**

**BananaMan:** Any day now.

**BananaMan:** Alan?

**SINthBoss:** Get bent, Fletcher.

**BananaMan:** Tomorrow. Victoria Park. 3 o’clock. Gives you plenty of time to drive up here.

**SINthBoss is offline.  
Conversation ended.**

“Really?” Andy sighed and stood up, sitting on the sofa and picking up the paper. There wasn't much else he could do, Megan was at school, housework was done, Martin and his clan had gone to Southend-On-Sea with his parents for some festival. Andy tossed the paper back on the table and went back into the room where he kept his computer and instruments, sitting in front of his beat up old keyboard, tapping out a few riffs while his mind wandered. 

_“You hear that crowd? It must be massive!” Alan was peeking out around at the audience with Martin, both frozen with nerves. Alan looked back at Martin and ruffled his hair, patting his back. Martin walked off towards the stage when the lights went down, leaving Alan to stare at the diverse crowd with his nerves ramping up every second._

_Alan was still looking out at the stage and shaking a little, jumping out of his skin when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see Andy give him a smile and squeeze his shoulder. “Nervous?”_

_“Terrified…” Alan muttered, staring out at the crowd again._

_“You done gigs with your other bands. How can you be nervous?” Andy asked, observing him carefully like some kind of science experiment._

_“Dunno, just always been really worked up before a gig. Not sure why, My nerves go bloody insane for days after too,” Alan looked back at the stage and stared at the synths on the side, hearing the crowd start to cheer for them. “Oh good god! I can’t do this!” Alan turned away from the stage and made to retreat into the bathroom. Before he could get far, Andy grabbed his arm and hugged him tight._

_“Al, relax! It’s gonna be fine, I promise. Alright?” Andy held onto Alan and shook him a little, staring right at him and giving him a reassuring smile. “Tell you what. We’re gonna do great tonight. And afterwards you can come back to mine and I’ll help you come down, eh?” Andy ruffled Alans hair and gave him a pat, seeing the lights start to go up a little. “Now come on, you.”_

Andy looked up when he heard loud noises outside, shaking his head when it was nothing and going back to his keyboard. He tapped out a few more random notes and looked up at the ceiling, thinking back to Als body language and feeling it was similar to how he acted before that first show at Crocs in Rayleigh. 

“What the hell am I doing? We had an agreement. I can’t go back on that,” Andy chastised himself and stood up, getting things straightened and grabbing his things when he saw it was almost time to pick up Megan. He shook any lingering thoughts about Alan from his mind as he pulled his coat on and hurried out of the flat.

********

“He’s not going to show, mate.”

“Sure he will, you know Al. Always wanting to keep us guessing,”

“It’s been an hour, Martin. He would have been here by now if he was going to show,” Andy lit a cigarette and leaned forward on the bench while the Viva and Megan ran around, Martin sitting nearby and playing with Ava. Martin shook his head and plucked up a flower, tucking it behind the girls hair and looking up when he heard someone coming towards them.

“Christ that was a nightmare. How do you people get around in this sodding city?” Alan sighed as he stopped by the bench, carrying a fast asleep Paris in his arms.

“Don't piss off to the countryside. That may help,” Martin replied off hand and Alan snarled in response.

“Watch yer language, Mart.” Andy glared at Martin then scooted over so Alan could sit comfortably. Alan shifted his little girl in his arms and sat on the bench, watching the older kids play while the three men sat in silence. Alan watched them for a moment longer then stood up, looking at Andy and taking a few steps back. Both Martin and Andy looked back at him then stood as well, Martin helping Ava to her feet.

“You can leave Paris with me while you two talk. I promise she’ll be in good hands,” Martin offered, receiving a suspicious glare from Alan. “Don't look at me like that, wanker.”

“Martin!” Andy shouted and gave him another stern look. “I'm starting to wonder if I should trust my children around you, god knows what sort of words they’re pickin’ up.”

“Oh come off it, mate. They're too young to understand what we’re saying,” Martin shrugged off the comment and held his arms out to take Paris, Alan handing her over slowly. Alan watched Martin with narrowed eyes as he went to sit with Ava and the older girls while they played in a circle. 

“She’ll be fine. Come on,” Andy nudged Alan's arm a little and led him off towards a walking path near the woods.

*******

They had walked in silence for at least half an hour, neither one wanting to say anything. Finally the tension came to a point when Andy stopped to light a cigarette, offering one to Alan. While Alan was lighting his own, Andy decided to bite.

“So you gonna tell me what was so bloody important now? Or ya gonna keep on bein’ vague like usual?”

“I think you know what I wanted to talk about.”

“I have an idea but I hope that it's wrong,” Andy replied and looked up when he realised Alan had stopped a few places back. “Christ Al, we had a deal. If one of us got married then it was permanent game over. No more safe word, no more beatin’, especially no more shaggin’--"

“We only shagged a handful of times.”

“Shut up. Point is that was our deal, and now you want to go back on it?” 

“It's not like I WANT to, I NEED to. It's been seven years and I can’t cope without that release, I'm tired of holding it all inside and…...and I miss you.” Alan looked down and took a drag on his cigarette, staying quiet before looking up again. “Sod it. I don't even know what possessed me to come up here and tell you all this drivel--"

“You haven't told me anything, Alan. Just spouted a bunch of gibberish so you can bloody dance around the subject.” Andy replied and pushed his glasses up, fixing a stern glare on Alan. He raised an eyebrow when Alan stepped back and looked away quickly. “I won't do it. Ask your wife to,”

Alan looked back at him and shook his head, gritting his teeth and attempting to keep calm. That was easier said than done, Alan was doing his best to not drop to his knees from habit when Andy glared at him over his glasses. Alan let out a relieved sigh when Andy looked towards the trees and took a few steps closer, stopping short and relighting his cigarette instead.

“Hepzibah prefers to play the servant, not the Master. And I can’t submit to a woman….it’s not the s--"

“What about that club in Brighton? Couldn't you go there instead?” Andy asked softly, seeing Alan hesitate for a moment. He was getting that feeling he already knew Alan's response. Andy was wishing he didn't know his former colleague as well as he did, his suspicions being confirmed when Alan shook his head again and rubbed his neck slowly.

“You don't seriously expect me to put my trust in a complete stranger? They'd only see me a paycheck, you know that.” Alan didn't mean to sound so pathetic, but he couldn't help it. He knew what he needed and it was something he only trusted Andy to provide….if Alan could only figure out a way to convince him. 

Andy raked a hand through his hair and watched Alan shift his weight from one foot to another, fidget with his hands, every classic sign that he needed some help. Andy shook the away the urge to drag Alan off into the woods and help him out, fixing his glasses again. “You should at least try it, mate. I've already told you I'm not going back on our deal, and I'm not going to put my family through whatever mess may come of it. So buck up and give it a shot because you bloody well won't get it from me.”

“I'm not your sodding mate. That’s the bint back there doing god knows what with my daughter.” Alan snarled and turned to go back the way they came. “The hell with you, Andrew. And the hell with your sodding band too.” Alan spat out as he walked back.

Andy watched Alan retreat back and scratched his head a little, looking up when he saw some woman and her dog staring at him in shock. He scowled at the woman and waved her off, “Mind her business, ya daft bird!”

By the time Andy had cooled off enough to go back to Martin and the girls it was well past evening. He saw Martin sitting on the bench with Ava while the other girls sat in the grass, chatting excitedly.

“It didn’t go well then? Figured seeing as Al came back pretty quick.” Martin commented and looked up to see Andy not really focused. “What was so important anyway?”

“Remember that thing I told you about? What I thought it was?” Andy paused fo see Martin nod slowly, still watching the girls try to make chains from flowers. “It was exactly what I thought….”

“So you gonna do it?”

“Have you gone mad? No I won't bloody do it. How would I explain that to Grainne? ‘Can't make it ‘ome tonight, love. Need to beat and bugger my ex-bandmate, cheerio!’ She’d think I'd gone barmy.” Andy sighed and sat on the bench next to Martin, flicking more ash into the ground. “I made a promise, Mart.”

“If I recall, you two had promised to stop shagging when you got hitched. Never said anything about the rest,” Martin replied off hand, turning his head to look at Andy properly. “Besides, maybe its it's just once that he wants it. Old time sake and all that nonsense,”

Andy snorted and hung his head, looking back at Martin with a sigh. “That's the problem, Mart….I can't JUST do it one sodding time. If I do, I'll want to again and then we’ll start shagging behind our wives backs and-- look, it was one thing when we were young and unattached and--"

“And it was the '80s, things were different. That's how Suzanne likes to put it at least,” Martin chuckled and sat up a bit, adjusting Ava in his arms so she'd stay comfy and asleep. “So what did you tell him anyway to make him so angry?”

“Suggested that club we went to in Brighton a few years ago. You know, the one in that pubs basement?” Andy paused when Martin looked at him and shook his head. “What? It's a nice place and there are people there who get paid to do this sort of--"

“Not if he wants another man to do it. Rules got changed,”

“Well that's too bad. If ‘e’s that desperate for a beating he can bloody well do it ‘imself because I ain't. You can drown that thought with your mind, ya drunk!” Andy snapped and softened a when he saw the hurt expression on Martins face. “I'm sorry, Mart. This isn't your fault, I shouldn't be takin’ this out on ya,” Andy looked over to see Martin instead had his eyebrows raised and a little smirk on his face. “What you smirkin’ at?”

“I know who you can take it out on,”

“Oh sod off, Gore.” Andy growled and stood up, taking Megan's hand and holding the flowers. “Come on Megs, time to go ‘ome.”

“Do we have to?”

“We do. Need to get the place cleared up before Mummy comes home,” Andy smiled and picked her up, not bothering to say anything to Martin as he left.

Martin shook his head once Andy left and remained sitting for a while longer until Viva was ready to go, walking out of the park with a handful of tiny flowers tangled in his hair.


	3. We're Livin' in a World Full of Illusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andy is having a hard time coming terms with his decision to ATTEMPT avoiding Alan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it looks like there are typos, but I promise they aren't. How else are ya supposed to convey an Essex accent or a drunk Al?
> 
> Also quick slang lesson:
> 
> Wet = miserable  
> Two stops from Dagenham = Dagenham station is two stops from Barking in Essex. so it's basically a way of saying someones gone mad

****RING****

****RING****

“Wot you want?” Andy snapped into the phone. It was three in the morning and he was none too pleased about being jarred out a peaceful sleep. Better him than Grainne though, yeah? She was exhausted from the trip back to London from holiday. “‘Mart, I swear to god If y--”

“Why you wanna be so ruuuude to me, Aaaaandy?” Alans slurred voice came through the receiver and Andy instantly pulled the phone from his ear. Andy would have preferred it to be Martin, at least drunk Mart was entertaining, Al however…..”Aaaaandy, I can heeeeaaar you!” Alan slurred into the phone. 

Andy sighed again and rubbed his eyes, lighting a cigarette as he sat at the table. “It’s three in the bleedin’ mornin’. The hell you doin up a this hour?”

“Woooorkiiiin’. You got to work ‘ard, you got to work ‘ard! Something something, anythin’ at aaaaall!” Alan kept singing the garbled lyrics until he tripped over something and the phone went sliding. Andy could still hear Alan laughing and singing loudly in the background though. Andy rolled his eyes and took a drag on his cigarette, listening to Alan stumble around to look for the handset. Finally he picked it up again and flopped on something, still badly slurring Work Hard like nothing happened. 

“Al, what you want?”

“You knooow what I want, Daaaaaddy,” Alan half purred into the receiver and Andy started coughing, caught off guard by the name. Alan was messing with him, right? He had to be. All of this was just one long game put together by Dave and Mart, right? Something to get him to loosen up, that’s what it was. Had to be. “You miss me being your good boy, don’t you?”

“Shut up. I ain’t takin’ the bait, Al,” Andy scowled into the phone and took another drag, standing up and putting his cigarette out in the sink. “Told you I ain’t doin’ it.”

“But Aaaandy, I need it! I’ve been a good boy for you haven’t I? I know you looooove when I’m a good boy,” Alan purred again and shifted around while still muttering gibberish. He’d gone quiet after a few minutes and Andy took the phone from his ear for a moment, unsure if he’d passed out or forgot he was on the phone.

“Al?” Andy put the phone to his ear again, listening for any sort of noise from the other end. “Alan, ‘ow much you ‘ad to drink?” Andys eyebrows knit together when he still didn’t hear a response, thinking maybe Al had passed out. He was about to hang up and put the phone back when he heard Al call his name faintly. “I’m here Al,”

“Don’t…...dooooont ya miiiiiiiss meee?” Alans words were so slurred that it took Andy a minute to realise what he said. He poured a glass of water from the sink and occasionally put the receiver to his ear, checking to see if Alan was still babbling. Andy was ready to hang up when he heard Alan attempting to slur out I want You Now.

“Al?”

“Let me be your good boy, Daddy….pleeeeaaaase. Dont deny me again, I’ll do whaaaaatever you want, just help meeee! I can’t wait any longer!” Alan whimpered into Andys ear before the phone fell again. Andy could hear Alan still babbling loudly and hung up on him, shoving the phone back into the base with more force than necessary before going back to bed.

********

**23 October 1997 14:07:49**

**Conversation started with SINthBoss.**

**BananaMan:** You proud of yourself?

 **SINthBoss:** What you want now?

 **BananaMan:** You called my house, babbling like a proper messy drunk.

 **SINthBoss:** I don’t remember that.

 **BananaMan:** The hell you do, you little bastard.

 **BananaMan:** Check your caller ID if you don’t believe me. Go on I’ll wait.

**SINthBoss is typing….**

**BananaMan:** Well?

 **SINthBoss:** So I rang your house last night. Can’t prove anything so don’t give me that shite, Fletcher.

 **BananaMan:** My word’s not enough?

 **SINthBoss:** Are you done aggravating my hangover?

 **BananaMan:** Are you done playing this stupid game of yours?

 **SINthBoss:** What game?

 **BananaMan:** You know what I’m talking about. Whatever you’re playing at, I’m not falling for it.

**SINthBoss is typing…..**

Andy rubbed his eyes and stared at the computer while he waited for a response. He waited about five minutes and got up from the desk, thankful he had the flat to himself and didn’t have to worry about Grainne finding out about what happened last night. Andy went to the kitchen and poured himself a mug of coffee, leaning against the counter while he waited for it to cool.

Andy lit a cigarette on his way back to the computer, looking through a few work related emails while he thought of Al’s words the night before. What bothered him more than anything was the fact that it had pulled at his heart to hear Alan suffering. They made a deal though, and Andy didn’t need it to survive. He enjoyed his life with Depeche and his family and the few friends from Bas that hadn’t abandoned him when they'd made it big. Andy opened the conversation window again to see if Alan had responded and raised an eyebrow when he saw nothing.

 **BananaMan:** Al?

 **SINthBoss:** I hate you.

 **BananaMan:** What you hate me for now?

 **SINthBoss:** You know why.

 **BananaMan:** We had that discussion.

 **SINthBoss:** Rubbish. We didn’t discuss fuck all. You owe me an explanation you ring-tailed bastard!

 **BananaMan:** You’re behaving like a child.

 **SINthBoss:** I told you what I wanted.

 **BananaMan:** Go to the club in Brighton.

 **SINthBoss:** I did.

**BananaMan is typing….**

**SINthBoss is Offline.  
Conversation ended.**

“What the bloody…...?” Andy took another sip of coffee and looked at the screen, reading their conversation again. Maybe he’d been a little hostile, but he could only hope it would help Alan get over…..whatever had gotten into him. Andy finished his coffee and looked at the time, getting up again and turning off the computer. 

*******

“And how’ve you been this week, Mr. Fletcher?”

“Fine.” Andy wasn’t focused as he paced the therapist's office. His mind was still racing over what had happened with Alan and the last thing he could worry about currently was therapy.

“Mr. Fletcher the last few sessions you’ve seemed rather distracted, is there any reason for that?” The therapist looked up at him and cleared her throat when Andy lit a cigarette, giving him a disapproving look. “I thought you were trying to quit?”

“Sod it.” Andy scowled and blew smoke in her direction, earning a disapproving glare. 

“Mr. Fletcher, I know you better than you think after three years. Something is bothering you.. Would you care to share it?”

Andy stretched out on the sofa and blew another puff of smoke out at her. He really didn’t want to go through the discussion again, remembering the three months they spent discussing every last detail of his sex life and the debauchery he got up to in the early days and how he needed to give up so called “Unhealthy behaviours” as the bird had put it. He looked back when the woman repeated her question.

“I’m only worried about a….colleague. He’s been under a lot of stress lately.” Andy replied and sat up, stubbing out the cigarette in the planter. He raised an eyebrow at the therapist, continuing once he stood again and lit another despite her disapproval. “This colleague and I would spend a lot o’ time outside work, and things got ‘eated sometimes.”

“Is this the same person you were engaging in deviant behaviour with?”

“It ain’t that deviant--”

“Mr. Fletcher we’ve had that discussion. Such behaviour is far from healthy or positive for either party, it’s not possible for someone to derive pleasure from having pain inflicted on them,” She cut in and Andy raised an eyebrow for a moment before continuing on.

“We had a deal anyway, we’d stop once one of us got married. But last night…..” Andy paused and looked out at the road, watching a few cars go by. “He called me drunk out of his skull. I’d never heard him so desperate and…..well I’ve always had a hard time saying no when someone needs help.”

“I see. But you can’t give in to these harmful urges again. They’ll only cause more bad than good down the road. We’ve had that discussion too,”

Andy remained quiet and stared at the ash burning on his cigarette. 

“It ain’t like I agreed to do it anyway, innit? I can just tell what people need to feel better. So what the bloody ‘ell am I supposed to do? Just let him suffer til he goes mad?”

“I’m not suggesting that. Perhaps your friend should explore therapy as well?”

Andy said nothing and looked at his watch, rolling his eyes as he went to the door. “I’m done ‘ere.” He opened it and put down his money quickly before hurrying out and slammed the door. 

***********

Andy sat on a bench in the park, smoking quietly and watching people go by. Therapy was supposed to help him feel better, not like he was making a stupid decision and denying himself. He didn’t bother to look over when someone sat down next to him, taking a drag from his cigarette and leaning forward. “Piss off, I ain’t in the mood, mate.”

“Better than you seem to be, thanks for askin'. Ain’t you got therapy right now?” Martin watched Andy with his arms crossed, scooting closer and rubbing his back. Andy looked over at Martin and blew some smoke into his face.

“What you doin’ ‘ere? No little ones with ya?”

“Nah, Suzanne took the girls with her to meet friends. I’m a free man today,” Martin smiled and stood up. “So you didn’t answer my question…”

“What question?”

“You’re always at the shrink right now. Every Friday at 3 pm, right? Two hours in some room talkin’ to some bird about your feelings or some rubbish,” Martin looked up and nodded at some woman walking by with her kid, looking back at Andy and smiling. “So why ain’t you there?”

“It ain’t workin’. Too much on my mind that the slag ain’t ‘elpin with,”

“Is this about Alan? I told you how to h--”

“He rang last night, Mart.” Andy blurted out and looked over, seeing Martin pause and stare quietly. “This wasn’t just the usual messy drunk phone call and singing stupid songs. He was begging for me and I just ignored it,”

“What you mean, ignored it?”

“Oh don’t be stupid. He kept asking why I wouldn’t hit ‘im, if it’s because he ‘adn’t been good for me. Even went so far as to…it doesn’t matter. I can’t go back to that, it ain’t healthy.”

“There’s the shrink talkin’. Andy I don’t get why you keep denying yourself. I can tell you want to help him out, and you miss…..whatever the hell it was. Or ya too busy listenin’ to some bird tell ya ‘Oh yer sex life ain’t healphy. Ain’t no way it can be if you do somephin’ besides borin’ ol’ missionary!’ Honestly, she hasn’t a clue,” Martin said quickly and hopped up, dragging Andy to his feet and leading him along the walking path. Andy followed as they walked in silence for a while. “I still don’t understand why you even stopped if you enjoyed it so much. You ain’t the type to just abandon something you enjoy. Otherwise you would ‘ave left the band years and gone back to sellin’ insurance or some shite,”

“Oi, I had a good gig with that!”

“Yeah and you were a proper wet bastard too. Thank fuck ya quit that nonsense,” Martin ducked when Andy tried to swat him, taking a step out of his reach. Martin was laughing and stuck his tongue out at Andy. “Seriously though, why did you give it up?”

“Told you why.” Andy lit another cigarette as they walked and offered it to Martin.

“Yeah I know that bit, but you really enjoyed it. You were always so relaxed afterwards and you were good too. Had to be if Al trusted you with his problems. So…...why?” Martin looked back when Andy stopped walking and stared out at the trees, watching for any sign that Andy would have a decent answer.

“Why do you keep doing it?” Andy replied quietly and shoved his glasses up his nose, catching up to Martin and patting his back.

“Why not? I like it, Suzanne likes it. And we have a great time when we go to the club and we can still manage a little playtime when we can’t."

“How often do you two go? And what rules were you talking about anyway?”

“Every couple weeks if we’ve a night free from the girls. Women are in charge there Andy, it ain't like when we went. But I don’t mind and Suz don’t either, so why let some stranger tell us to stop?”

“Mart, deviance ain't good for ya--"

“What's deviant about it? We’re both adults, we play Master and servant, it's a bit of us and it's silly to avoid something we like just because some slag who doesn't know me said it was ‘unhealphy’. Besides, it’s just fun. Think about it, Andy.” Martin gave Andy a pat on the back and guided him down the path again. “Why were you even seeing this person still anyway? I mean I get it when you got out of hospital and for a while after but now? You that scared to enjoy yourself?”

Andy didn't say anything, instead watching the clouds as they got darker and heard faint thunder in the distance. Martin shook his head as they turned around and walked in silence, each lighting another cigarette on the way. It just started to rain when they made it back to the bench, watching families run off towards their cars.

“This ain’t the 80s anymore, we can’t just get really high at some messy party and damn the consequences. You know that,”

“You’re argument is flimsy, mate. It ain’t the 80s no more, well duh! We ain’t gotta turn to borin’ ol’ farts just yet. So stop bein’ such a geezer, take your arse to Sussex and have a bit of fun before you end up two steps from Dagenham again!”

“Oi!” Andy tried to swat at Martin again and chased him off towards the woods, tripping on the wet grass and sitting up to look for his glasses. “Fuck. where’d they go?” Andy started feeling around for his glasses again then stopped when he hear a soft snap under his knee. “Oh…..bugger me,”

“Somethin’ wrong, An--Oohhh, fuck I’m sorry, mate.” Martin knelt down and held up the snapped frames, looking around then helping andy to his feet. “You got a spare in the car, yeah?”

“Took the bus,” Andy muttered and shoved them in his pocket. They both sighed and Martin grabbed his arm and dragged him to a gazebo nearby, “We need to call Grainne, she’s got the car.”

“Fine. when it stops pissing down rain, we’ll give her a call. May as well get comfy for now,” Martin sat on the bench and watched the rain pour down, joined after a minute by Andy. They sat in silence again and Andy sat up and leaned against the rail, watching the rain and thinking quietly over what Martin had said. 

**********

**26 October 1997 17:09:23**

**Conversation started with SINthBoss.**

**BananaMan:** You and I need to have a serious talk.

**SINthBoss is currently away: Luscious Apparatus was here…...but he was kidnapped by his Stalker.**

Andy shrugged and closed the window before he got up, leaving his hijacked office when he heard people talking in the hallway. He peeked out slowly and almost fell when Dave pounced on him. 

“Dude, what happened to your glasses?” Dave asked and plucked them off Andys face, looking to see they’d been slapped back together with tape until Andy could get a new pair.

“Stepped on ‘em. Shit ‘appens,” Andy shrugged as they walked down the hallway, pausing by a screen showing the ending to some video. 

“Is that Al?” Dave stared quietly at the screen then smiled a little. “So he’s doing that still? Good for him,” He looked back at Andy as they walked again down the hallway, talking idly about nothing and catching up on bits and pieces. 

“So what you doin’ in our slice of paradise anyway?” Andy asked, thinking maybe he’d seen something about some promotions and discussions about a possible tour. Then again, he hadn’t been focused on work anyway. His mind wandered a little while Dave chattered on, being joined by Martin as they spoke excitedly about band related things.


	4. Everything Is So Unreal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andy's getting lost in some old memories.

_January 1982_

_Alan flopped on the sofa in Daves flat after grabbing drinks for the four of them, taking a swig while the others talked._

_“I don’t get it. Last time it was great, tonight was a bloody joke! They didn’t even care about the sodding show when we went on,” Andy commented and lit a cigarette, watching Dave slouch a little and hang his head. “It’s nothing you did, Dave. Just ain’t a good night,”_

_Martin cut in just as Dave looked up, “Rubbish. We coulda been much better. Remember last time? That’s why it was so bad this time! If Mr. Classic-Sodding-Training over there knew what the bloody ‘ell ‘e was doin’--”_

_“Oi! If your music was a little more complex instead of some poppy drivel, your audience might actually cheer for you!” Alan bit back and stood up quickly, lunging at Martin and putting him in a headlock. They struggled on Daves floor before both Dave and Andy yanked them apart. “Geroff me! You’ve been acting like a jealous girlfriend since I joined and I’m fucking sick of it, Gore!” Alan snapped and tried to tackle Martin again, squirming when Dave held his arms tighter._

_“Yer just a session player anyway, Wilder. Like you ‘ave any say in ‘ow we do fings.” Martin snarled and tried to lunge at him again._

_“Oh fuck off, all of you!” Alan yanked himself out of Daves grip and left quickly, slamming the door as he left. Andy released Martin quickly and looked at the door, looking back when Dave cleared his throat._

_“That went well. One o’ you grab ‘im, like ‘ell he knows ‘ow to get round this town,” Dave muttered and waited for one of them to go to the door._

_“I’ll get ‘im. Make sure ‘e gets ‘ome safe and all,” Andy cut in and grabbed his leather jacket before leaving._

_**********_

_It took about ten minutes before Andy found Alan at a bus stop, stretched out on a bench and smoking silently. “Round ‘ere the bus stops at eleven,”_

_“Piss off.” Alan didn’t bother to look and blew a cloud of smoke into the air._

_“I told Dave I’d get you ‘ome safe--”_

_“Wot you want out of it? And why ya care anyway? Ain’t like yer my dad or somethin’” Alan sniped and threw the cigarette in Andys direction. He stared back up at the ceiling and tucked his legs up when Andy sat at the end of the bench. “I’ll ‘itch a ride to London if I ‘ave t-- oh bugger, now I’m talkin’ like you lot!”_

_“Maybe Essex agrees wiv ya. Ain’t anyone out drivin’ a this hour, Al. Come crash at mine and you can get a bus in the mornin’, eh?” And stood again and held a hand out for Alan to take. “You said you’d come over after the show anyway, remember?” Andy sighed when Alan didn’t budge and grabbed his hand. “Up ya come now. I got a big comfy sofa wiv yer name on it,”_

_**********_

_“I don’t get it, why do I need to get naked exactly?” Alan stared in confusion while Andy dug through his wardrobe. He was only half paying attention to Alan and waved his hand a little. “That doesn’t help me,”_

_“Wot you sayin’ now?” Andy looked up after tossing a black bag out of the wardrobe, closing the door and picking the bag up. “Why ain’t you undressed?”_

_“I don’t see why I need to be naked. Can’t I leave my trousers on or somethin’?”_

_“Guess you could. Might be a bit uncomfortable but I ain’t stoppin’ ya. At least take your shirt off then,” Andy replied absently while emptying the bag onto his bed._

_“What the fuck is all that?!” Alan went wide eyed and picked up a leather paddle that fell on the floor, waving it at Andy before it was snatched from his grip and Andy gave his hands a light smack. “You plannin’ to torture someone then?”_

_“Yeah. You. Turn round and face the wall,” Andy replied with a serious tone and twirled his finger for Al to follow the motion. Andy smirked when Alan rolled his eyes and turned, leaning against the wall and huffing a little. Andy took a few steps closer and slid his hands down Alans back, looking up and whistling. “One more thing. You need a safety word,”_

_“A wot?” Alan turned his head back at Andy and stared at him, completely baffled._

_“A safety word. Make it easy, if this is too much you call that and we’ll stop. And I won’t do it again,” Andy replied and rubbed Alans shoulders while he waited. Alan was humming while he thought of it and Andy finally whistled. “Alan?”_

_“I dunno…..what about ‘badger’?” Alan looked back and shrugged a little, unable to think of anything else. He waited for Andy to give him a response and turned to face him. “Seems easy enough,”_

_“Works for me. Turn round,” Andy nodded and turned Alan a little, dropping the paddle on the bed while he looked through the pile, picking up a beat up looking flogger. Andy looked back to see Alan was shaking in anticipation and came back over to Alan, moving the ends of the falls up Alans back. Andy paused when he saw Alan tense up and took it away, “Ready Al? Ya only get one warning,”_

_Alan looked back and nodded slowly, shaking when Andy tickled his back with the falls again. “Yeah….just get it over with, mate….” Alan looked back and swallowed, gasping when Andy hit his back gently. He looked over his shoulder and was about to protest when his back took another soft hit. “The bloody hell are you doing?!”_

_“This will help, I promise.” Andy replied quickly and flicked the falls against Alans back instead of hitting him. Andy smirked when Alan arched his back forward, “You like that better?”_

_“You never said you were gonna hit me, ya bastard!” Alan cried after a harder flick and turned to grab the flogger from Andy. Andy took a step back and dropped the implement on the bed. “Gimme my clothes, I’ll walk ‘ome if I have to!” Alan shouted and reached for his shirt, Andy holding a hand out to stop him._

_“Just wait a second, Al” Andy grabbed Alan's wrist when he turned and fixed him with a stern glare. “You said you were willing to try. But you're gonna run off after a few light hits?”_

_“Oh sod off, Fletcher. Why bother saying you're gonna torture me then pull out that nonsense?” Alan snarled and Andy let go of his wrist. Andy took a step back back and started looking through the items on his bed. “The hell you doing now?”_

_“You've done this before, havent you?” Andy asked as he looked through his things._

_“No. Just heard stories,” Alan raised an eyebrow at him then saw Andy pick up a heavier looking flogger. “But I figure if you're gonna do something like that, why be gentle?” Alan watched Andy sort through his things again then look up, twirling his fingers again without a word._

_“We just started, whine all ya want but you ain't called ‘badger’ yet.” Andy replied softly and took a few steps close to Alan again, twirling the flogger by his leg while he waited. Alan turned back and glanced over his shoulder, closing his eyes and preparing for the next hit. Andy waited for a moment before taking another step and landing a loud, hard whack on Alan's back. Alan let out a yelp and leaned forward, panting a little and looking back at Andy. “Better?” Andy was rubbing the spot on Alan's back when he caught a small nod from him._

_“Again….like that…” Alan panted and bit his lip, letting out a strangled whine when Andy hit him again. Alan leaned forward and laid his head on his folded arms, twitching and grunting with each hit afterwards until Andy paused to switch his arms._

_Andy stopped when he saw Alan had his eyes shut tight and was trying to keep his mouth shut. He gave Alan's back another hard whack with the flogger and smirked when Alan’s knees buckled a little and he let out a soft cry. Andy took a few steps closer and rubbed Alan's warm skin, nuzzling against the back of his neck. “Its only us here, no reason to keep quiet,”_

_“‘snot why….” Alan was shaking when he looked back at Andy, his eyes unfocused and glassy looking._

_“Its alright to like it, Al. I wanna hear you enjoy yerself,” Andy purred and kissed Alan's ear before taking another step back towards his bed. Andy looked back when he heard jingling and saw Alan was unbuttoning his trousers, letting out a relieved sigh once he’d managed to do so. “Better?” Andy waited with his arms crossed and rubbed Alans back gently. Alan looked back at him again and Andy ran his fingers through his hair, giving his ear a soft nuzzle before whispering. “That’s why I suggested taking them off earlier, Al.”_

_Alan glared a little and pushed back against Andy, whining softly when Andy stepped back again. He stared at Andy and bit his lip a little, looking back to the pile of implements on the bed. “Can we…..can we keep going?” Alan shivered a little and tilted his head back when he felts Andys fingers in his hair again. “Aaaahhh…..” Alan let his head rest against Andys hand and moaned softly when he felt Andys fingers tighten and pull gently._

_“Are you sure? I’ll only hit harder if we do,” Andy rubbed Alans back with his free hand while he waited for an answer. He set the flogger back on his bed and barely caught a nod from Alan. “Lets see what I got--”_

_“Can we just use the...whats it called?” Alan looked back to see Andy rummaging again and pointed at the implement Andy just had in his hand._

_“Oh yeah, sure…” Andy grabbed the flogger again and nudged Alan back to the wall, watching for a moment. He waited until Alan was settled then flicked the falls hard against Alans back again. He stepped back and gave Alan a harder hit, watching his knees buckle again and let out a loud cry. “Good boy, That’s much better.”_

_“Aah! Bugger me!” Alan cried out and lifted his head quickly, arching his back for a moment. Andy smirked and began to hit him with a steadier rhythm, letting out a growl when Alans choked yelps turned into eager moans and chanting Andys name--_

“Andy? Aaaandy? ANDREW! OI! Ground Control to Major Fletch! Anyone ‘ome?” Dave clapped his hands in Andy’s face, snapping him out of his daydream. 

“Huh?”

“Jesus, thought you were havin’ a fit or somethin. You alright, mate?” Dave waved a hand in front of Andys face just in case he zoned out again. Andy grabbed his wrist and shoved it out of his view, glaring at them a little. “Have you heard a single thing we’ve said to you?”

“Not really. ‘Ad a lot on me mind lately, just need to uh….would you excuse me?” Andy shoved his glasses in his pocket and and stood, leaving the room before the rest of them could protest.

Andy turned on the sink and splashed water on his face, staring at himself in the mirror. He sighed a little and scowled at his reflection while leaning against the counter.

“Come on Fletchy, get ‘old o’ yerself….” Andy sighed and flipped off the mirror before exiting the bathroom. Instead of going back to whatever meeting they’d been in, Andy locked himself in his office and scrolled through emails he hadn’t paid much attention to earlier. From the corner of his eye, Andy saw the phone was blinking from an unheard message, picking the phone up and pressing the line to listen to it.

“Got your message. We talked plenty.” Alans voice came through the voicemail and cut off just as quickly, leaving Andy baffled and a little aggravated. He set the phone back down hard and threw his hands in the air in frustration. 

“Bloody bastard makes herding cats look easy. Jesus Christ…”


	5. Heavenly Surrender Once Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andy and Alan finally get a chance to try and talk a few things out again. But Andy has been planning something else for a while

January 1998

Alan sighed and lit his fourth cigarette in a row, leaning against the window frame again as he sat on the bench seat in his studio and looked out at the yard. He'd taken to hiding after the argument he just had with Hepzibah over such a small thing. At least that what he told himself, pretty sure calling out his ex-bandmates name while being pegged by the wife wasn't exactly a small thing.

“Never should ‘ave agreed to it in the first bloody place…dammit Charlie, see the trouble ya get us into?” He snarled at his reflection then jumped when the phone rang. Who the hell would call his studio at three in the morning? Better yet, so few people had the number for the studio it only made him more curious. Alan flicked his cigarette out the window and stood, snatching the phone out of the cradle before it rang again.

“You better be dyin’, wanker. ‘Ow'd you get this number?” Alan growled and leaned against his desk, immediately regretting his words when Andy's stern voice responded.

“Watch yer mouth, Wilder. I could ‘ang up instead--”

“NO! I mean…..What you callin’ here for? Shouldn't you be sleepin’? You know….with your wife and kids?” Alan cringed inwardly when he realised how harshly he'd said ‘wife'. Considering how his own was treating him at the present moment though, he couldn't help but feel resentful.

“They're in London. I needed a change of scenery. ‘Swrong Al? You sound tense,” Andy was suddenly concerned when he heard Alan grumbling. Alan sighed and sat in the bench seat again as he lit another cigarette, rubbing his forehead and leaning back as a breeze blew in and made him shiver.

“You just can't let me be, can ya Fletcher?” Alan finally bit out after a long silence, taking a long drag on his cigarette and shaking his head. He was about to continue when Andy spoke and cut him off.

“Oi, I ain't done nuffin’ you didn't want. You sent the bloody email.” Andy snapped, catching Alan off guard. He softened again when he heard Alan on the other end muttering something ending with a sniffle. “Al, I'm sorry….It's been a tense time,”

“You don't know the meaning of tense, Andrew.” Alan snapped, figuring it would get Andy off the phone faster. He tossed the spent cigarette out the window and closed it when a cold wind gust blew in. Alan paused when he heard Andy say something but didn't catch it. “Sorry?”

“I said since yer up, ya may as well come ‘ere and we can talk like adults. Something tells me ya ain't sleepin’ with the missus tonight,” Andy chimed and gave Alan the information for his hotel before hanging up. Alan stared at the phone and raked a hand through his hair with a sigh. He flopped down in the computer chair and stared at the black screen while he debated leaving. It felt like an hour had passed by before Alan stood up and left the studio, making sure he locked up and grabbed his coat and keys before leaving.

“Christ, what am I doing….”

*******

“I didn't think you'd come,” Andy stood in the door to his room and fixed Alan with a surprised stare. It was impossible to tell with him and it relieved Andy a little, but also made him worried.

“It was this or the sofa. Can I come in or not?” Alan didn't bother looking at Andy as he came in and sat on the bed, shoving his shoes off with a sigh. “Wot you really doin’ round here, Andy? Don't ya got a tour or interviews or somethin’?” Alan watched as Andy closed the door and paced the room without responding right away. “Andy, say something.”

“They wanna release a singles album, maybe a tour. And I needed to get outta London, good enough answer?” Andy narrowed his eyes when he saw Alan wasn't convinced and crossed his arms. “Fine. I was hopin’ to see you, maybe we could finally talk about….whatever is going on ‘ere.” 

“Andy--”

“Shut up. You been playing this stupid game for months now and I'm bloody sick of it. What the ‘ell you want, Al? Already told ya I ain't gonna shag ya so why do keep pushing?”

“I told you why. I ain’t repeatin’ myself,” Alan replied then stood up and walked to the window, peeking out the curtain. “One time is all I'm askin’. I won't bother you again after that. No shagging, no strings, no little pet names, no after care even if that'll make it easier.”

“Just once, eh? It was supposed to be just once before too, instead it went on for seven years.” Andy scoffed then stood up, walking to the window and pretending to peek through the curtain so he could see Alan's face. “The agreement was that we wouldn't do this again if we got married. You'd throw away your wife and daughter for one beating?”

“I just want the beating--”

“You know it won't stop there. One session will turn into five, five to twenty, next thing you know we're ‘avin’ a quickie before a gig and continuing this cycle for another seven years. It ain't gonna stop at just one bloody time.” Andy gave Alan a stern look before putting the curtain right and sitting on the bed again as he lit a cigarette. “Daddy ain't takin’ the bait, Al.”

Alan looked back when Andy spoke and stepped away from the window, pausing at the foot of the bed. He wanted to say something but instead just shook his head and picked up his coat and shoes. Andy watched as Alan got ready to leave and whistled to get his attention.

“What ‘appened with Hep anyway?” Andy looked up as he exhaled, seeing Alan turn for a moment before shaking his head and turning the door knob. “Al…”

“Nothing happened. Drop it.”

“Must ‘ave been a pretty big nuffin’ for you ta find yerself ‘ere.” Andy replied off hand, not looking at Alan until a shoe was thrown in his direction. “Oi! Watch it, wanker!” 

“How the hell do you do it, Fletcher? Can't you see I'm trying? Why do you always do this to me?” Alan had turned back and crossed his arms, shaking before he slumped against the wall. “I can't have anything because of you!”

“You seem to be doin’ alright. Wife, daughter, good career, fans, ain't like I depraved ya of anyphin’,” 

“Oh yes you did. Now I can't even have sex with my wife without thinking about y--” Alan covered his mouth before finishing his thought but Andy was immediately paying attention. Alan was staring in shock of himself as Andy came to him, putting hands on his shoulders.

“Alan, that ain't something one makes light of. I've ‘ad no part in yer sex life with Hep, why do you think I would anyway?”

“You know why. Please Andy, why do you have such a hold on me?” Alan muttered, looking away until Andy tilted his chin up. He tried looking away again until Andy just pulled him into a tight hug, resting his head on top of Alan's.

“I set you free ages ago, Al. Ya keep comin’ back fer more when ya know what I’m gonna say. I can't--I don't think I'm even able to give you what you need at this point.” Andy rocked Alan gently as he spoke, rubbing his back and looking down when he noticed Alan was shaking. “Alan please….I don't know what happened with you two, but it was just an accident. Sometimes they happen, it'll be alright. Look at me, eh?” Andy took a step back and bent down slightly to look Alan right in the eyes. “It'll blow over, don't worry, alr--don't look at me like that, Wilder. You know what that does to me,” 

Alan raised an eyebrow and watched Andy quietly, a smirk slowly growing on his face. “Wot you gonna do if I don't, Fletchy?” Alan retorted and watched Andy for a moment then gasped when he was pinned to the wall, Andy's mouth on his in an instant. Alan protested for a moment then relaxed into the kiss, tilting his head a little for Andy and wrapping his arms around Andy's neck.

They pulled away after a few minutes and stared at each other, panting softly until Andy took a step back. he stared at Alan and looked away quickly, unsure of what to say or do.

“I think you should go, Alan.” Andy looked back at Alan for a moment, seeing him nod but not move towards the door. Andy took a step forward again and brushed his fingers over Alan's cheek, watching his eyes close as his head tilted back. Alan opened his eyes again and looked at Andy silently, taking his hand and kissing the pads of Andy's fingers as he looked up.

“I think the only place you want me to go is your bed….I know that look, Andy.” Alan purred and gave Andy a smirk before he was pounced on again. Andy laced their fingers together as they kissed and pulled away to leave small bites along Alans neck. “You bastard, you planned this….”  
Andy didn’t respond and instead pulled Alan into another deep kiss, Andy pulled his mouth from Alan's as they stepped away from the wall, fingers tangled in Alan's hair and holding his head back. Andy narrowed his eyes when he saw Alan was smirking still and tightened his grip. “And ‘ere I thought you'd been such a good boy,” Andy smirked when he saw a shiver go through Alan and pushed him to his knees.

“Thought you weren't taking the bait, we did have a deal and all.”

“Sod the deal. You forgot yer place, Wilder.” Andy glared down at Alan and pulled his hair again, making him yelp. Alan looked up again and grabbed Andy's trousers, trying to pull himself up just to receive a slap across the face. “Did I say you could get up?”

“No...but--”

“No, what?” Andy growled and put his hands over Alan's, nudging them off and raising an eyebrow at him. 

“No, Daddy. But y--ah!” Alan cringed when he was slapped again and yanked to his feet, Andy dragging him to the bed and pushing him back with little grace. “I swear I've been good for you…” Alan whined and tilted his head back when Andy crawled on top of him for another rough kiss, grinding their hips together and causing both of them to moan. 

Andy sat up slowly and dragged Alan to his feet before leading him to a small desk and chair. “You know the drill, don’t keep me waiting.” He said off hand while digging through his bag. Alan just stared for a moment, still dumbstruck that Andy had planned it all and never gave anything away. “I gave you an order, Wilder. Unless you’d rather be punished?”

“Huh? Oh.” Alan shook his head and took his clothes off quickly, throwing them aside as he let out a hiss from the cold air. “Could turn up the bloody heat, you kn--oi! Wot the hell you doin’ now?!” Alan tried to protest when his eyes were covered and he felt cold steel on his wrists, trying to look back at Andy. “The f--mmmph!” Alan yelped when his head was yanked back and Andys lips crashed into his again. Before Alan could enjoy it too much, Andy pulled back and gave his arse a swat.

“Shut it. I’ll give ya sumphin’ to yell about.” Andy growled and gave Alans hair another yank before stepping back, smirking as Alan struggled against the cuffs with a whine. Andy dug through the bag again and came back, running some soft leather against Alans back as he purred and saw Alan shiver, “You remember the safety word?”

“Fuck. uh…...Badger, innit?” Alan hesitated before speaking and turned his head, shivering from the leather against his skin again. “That’s it, ain’t it? Please Daddy--Mmm!” Alan cried out when the leather tails hit his back, making him lean forward against the chair and shiver. Andy smirked and gave Alan a lighter hit with the flogger, watching him squirm and whine again.

“Good boy. You want more?” Andy purred in Alans ear and stepped back when he nodded eagerly, running his fingers over the slight red mark on Alans back before landing another hit. Andy smirked when Alan leaned forward and grunted, taking a step forward and landing a few more hits on Alans back. Andy fell into a slow rhythm as he kept hitting Alans back, hitting harder as he watched Alan moan and writhe. Alan tilted his head back and cried out when Andy hit him a harder whack than the others.

“Oh fuck!” Alan pulled hard at the cuffs again, dropping his head and panting hard. He looked back in Andys direction and shook his head to loosen the blindfold. “Please…..I want to see….” Alan whined and shivered as he pulled at the cuffs again. Andy stepped forward and pulled the blindfold off, pulling Alans head back by the hair and giving his neck a rough nip. Andy stepped back again and watched Alan squirm for a moment, craning his neck when he heard something but all he could understand was a soft “Please…”

“Please what? Want me to touch ya, innit?” Andy asked and took a few steps closer, grabbing Alans hips and pressing up flush against him. He rocked a little with Alan and smirked as his hand slipped forward some to scratch his nails along Alans belly.

“Fuck me, Daddy.…..I need it….” Alan whined and thrust his hips forward, trying to get more of Andys touch. Alan tilted his head back onto Andys shoulder and ground his arse back into Andy with a whimper. 

“Ain’t convinced. Sure ya want it?” Andy whispered and curled his fingers around Alans cock, giving him slow and loose strokes to tease. Alan moved his hips to try and get some more friction, feeling the metal release from one of his hands. He looked back at Andy for a moment and gave an eager smile, “Touch yourself. Show me how bad ya want it,” Andy growled and stepped back to watch Alans hand take over and stroke himself eagerly. “Good boy…”

Alan moaned loudly as he stroked himself, yelping when Andy hit him again. He dropped his head a little as is hips bucked into his hand, shivering as Andy started to hit him again repeatedly. “Ooohhh yes, hit me harder Daddy…” Alan tilted his head back and cried out when Andy hit his arse hard with the flogger. He watched Alan pull at his still cuffed hand, squirming hard and begging incoherently. Andy hit him a few more times and smirked as Alan leaned over the chair, shaking violently and whimpering. “Please….”

“Please what?” Andy gave Alan another hard whack across the arse, uncuffing Alans other wrist and pulling him close again. “Time I send ya home to the missus?”

“NO! Please Daddy….don’t do that to me, I can’t take it!” Alan cried and writhed against Andy again, tilting his head and pressing kisses to Andys neck between whimpers. “I’m going mad without you Daddy….” Alan opened his eyes some and bit his lip, looking up at Andy before he was suddenly shoved onto the bed on all fours. “Mmmph!”

Andy shoved Alan further up the bed and pushed his face into the pillows, pushing his still clothed hips against Alans arse and grinding against him with a groan. Alan moaned into the pillow and looked back over his shoulder, biting his lip when he saw Andy pulling his shirt off and leaning forward. Alan purred from the skin on skin contact and wriggled against Andys hips again. Andy dug through his pockets and found a small bottle of lube, squirting some on his fingers and scooting back to slide his fingers between Alans cheeks. 

“Ooohhh yes, give it to me…” Alan moaned and wiggled his hips some, shuddering and whining when he felt one of Andys fingers slide in. “It ain’t that tight right now, just fuck me….” Alan managed to get out before burying his face in the pillow to muffle a swear. 

Andy added a second finger anyway and stretched Alan open slowly, letting out a soft groan from the feeling. “Bloody hell….think you’re ready?” Andy pulled his fingers out and stood to remove his trousers quickly, locking eyes with Alan and moaning from the sight of Alan on all fours and squirming in anticipation. Alan lifted his head some and watched Andy come back to him, kneeling and giving Alans arse a hard smack.

“Fuckin’ ‘ell!” Alan yelped and buried his face in the pillow again, grabbing the blankets and swallowing as Andy rubbed his back. He sat up a bit when he felt pressure and closed his eyes, gasping from being penetrated by Andy slowly. Both men moaned together when Andy was fully inside, shaking slightly and pressing soft kisses to Alans shoulders. “Christ, you’re bigger than I remember….”

“Darlin’ it ain’t changed…” Andy panted and gave Alan’s hip a squeeze, pulling out slowly before sliding back in with a loud moan from both of them. “ So bloody tight…..” Andy tilted his head back and moved his hips faster, leaning forward and shoving Alan down into the mattress and pillow.

Alan gripped the pillows and pushed back against Andy with his thrusts, eyes clenched shut as he moaned loudly. Alan looked back over his shoulder and shuddered from seeing Andy tower over him, closing his eyes again and trying to sit up despite Andy holding him down. 

“Mmmph, feels so….ah, bloody good...don’t stop, Daddy. Please. Ooohhhh…..” Alan kept rambling incoherently until Andy yanked him up and into a rough kiss to shut him up. Alan yelped when he was shoved forward again and Andy pulled out suddenly. “What the hell!”

“On your back.” Andy grunted and shoved Alan to his back when he didn’t move fast enough. Alan shivered and wrapped his legs around Andys hips when he pushed back in quickly. “Mmm, fuckin’ ‘ell…” Andy hovered over alan and grunted with each thrust, sitting up and holding Alan's legs to make him moan louder. Alan grabbed the blankets suddenly and threw his head back, moaning loudly and writhing under Andy. 

Andy moved his arm to stroke Alan's cock with his thrusts, feeling his climax approach but wanting to see Alan's face blissed out like he hadn’t in years. “Come on, Al...cum for Daddy….” Andy muttered and stroked faster, leaning down to bite at Alan's neck. Alan tilted his head to the side and shuddered, holding onto Andy tight as he cried out and came hard between them. Andy groaned from the nails digging in his skin and held Alan tight as he shuddered and felt his own climax pulled from his body, almost collapsing on top of Alan after they rode out their orgasms. “Such a good boy for me….”

*********

**_***RING***_ **

**_***RING***_ **

**_***RING***_ **

“Wot you want?” Andy snapped into the phone, none too pleased about being yanked from his pleasant sleep. 

“Mr. Fletcher, I have a call from a….Hepzibah Sessa? She says her husband came to see you?” The receptionist replied as Andy looked down at Alan, still fast asleep and curled up tight against him. He sighed a little and rubbed Alan's back before looking back at the receiver.

“He's unavailable at the moment. Could you take a message?” Andy hung up quickly and curled up with Alan again, wrapping his arms tight around him.

“Who wuzzat?” Alan asked in his sleepy state, burying his face in Andy's chest.

“Nothing that can't wait til later….go back to sleep, luv.”


End file.
